Admittedly, a sudden yet mysterious frenzy would intrude into the appropriate frame of mind whenever chance descended on me time upon time at such frequent intervals, which surely resulted in callous sportmanship. gutter balls were displeasing, extremely. Considering the limited probability which a player fails to strike a pin in 4 rounds, i was indeed, incredibly fortunate to happen to be guility of such heinous luck. I was practically on the brink of despair, which stealthily creeped into the depths of my heart, almost an exponential increment. endless rounds of practices failed me. the gutter ball was now a rather familiar sight.

enlightenment occured. to live the legacy. let the RGS spirit shine through. to be fearless, to fight till the end, to victory. the setting faded, an inconseqential component of reality.

115 points-improvement of mind over matter?

how true! barely have I returned for a day when the faint stabs of reality awaken me again. the desire to jet off to some exotic location in the globe again is so overwhelming that i never cease to fantasize that when i open my eyes again, i’m in a completely new world”D long-haul trips do indeed do some good after all, especially the novel eye candy!

honestly, i actually prefer guided tours to free and easy journeys. one may view the latter as a blessing in comparison to the highly prevalent rigour and discipline evident in meritocratic singapore, but i beg to differ. With guided group tours come people from all walks of life, and on the oft-chance, new-found friends with common qualities! to phrase it as my darling sister would, it’s “high time for the subtle winks, grins and blushes-welcome to the world of flirting!”

oh and did she not have fun! our tour group mostly comprised of not ” the usual old foggies with little crying monsters” or ” unfeeling women reaching menopause”, but ” dashing, highly eligible replicas of the jonas brothers”. such phrases are expressed with sincere candour on the part of not yours truly, but my darling sister, although personal sentiments do happen to concur. it was a refreshing change after all.

shall i indulge in a bit of gossip? although i daresay that my heart grows weary of expressions and coincidences of affection, but under such damming circumstances, i just couldn’t resist. he did seem charming enough, with evident qualities of a gentleman. i wouldn’t describle him as appealing and attractive physically, but that mesmerizing smile doth enchant and compel one to take a second glance. However, succumbing to such societal superficialities would be silly, for what matters most is the inner self. Reassuringly, he fufilled even the most whimsical, fantastically personal expectations and if anything, pardon me, topped them. could anyone imagine the degree of such conflicted turmoil which i was forced to face? the rational, logical and to a certain extent, practical side of me gave way to the sentimental, passionate, idealistically romantic self without any opposition. expectedly.

ah. the consequences of temptation. nothing dramatic though, nothing befitting of a ” on a dark, stormy night” heading with those incessant gothic elements, nothing overly ott. it happened with a good mix of chance, coincidence and reckless intentions. the hotel gameroom happened to be empty and so, what else could i do but to entertain myself to a night of fun? but the definition of fun widely varies in the perspectives of many and in this case, it happened to be a table tennis table, two rackets and a ball.  obviously, one can’t sustain a game of table tennis with empty walls and balls yeah? the only sensible choice, if there was any at all, was to play. with someone else. and shockingly he happened to be present. happened to conveniently forget that two must play at any game, be it sports or love. happened to be just alone.

decisions had to be made. so play we did. it was the perfect setting. table tennis alone certainly bores, but he was surprising conversational enough with such sharp but humourous banter. it was such a wondrous, magical night.

and surely, that was just the beginning.

i think i ought to grow up, sometime.

Made another successful batch of soap again!

(faints in glee)

and to think that it’s school holidays still! i somhow find myself dragging my body back to rgs every other day without fail. sigh. so much for relaxation and slacking.

where are you, in the mist of suffering and pain? please, persuasion of hazy divine schemes doesn’t work on me. you should reconsider your options, more rationally.

Of course, i could very effortlessly grin and shrug it off, dismissing it as mere childhood fantasies. But. I think this may be something worth reflecting upon, for once. i’m amused by my innocence, now long hidden in the depths of my soul, washed away by time.

Still, i can’t help but feel cynical, yet a tad sentimental. If only I could have been imbued with more sense and sensibility at such a tender age. Maybe things may have changed, for the better.

Such irony confuses me.

Regret. disappointment. Determination.

Somtimes, I wish i could tear away the cold fronts and understand what lies beneath. You obviously may pretend that all’s well and it’s your natural self, but i beg to differ. With the complexity of such damning circumstances, I find it tough to accept, almost ludicrous, that you could be so welcomingly accomodating, that you’ll be there for me with no altruisitic motives.

Oh. sometimes i feel so tempted to just go for it and turn a blind eye to the consequences. at least, i’ll be able to clear some misconceptions i have, gleaned from secondary sources of infomation. something which i hate resorting to.

I’ve no regrets doing so, so please, stop chiding me internally.

i think i still do fancy you tremendously even after all these while. but, what am i expecting in return?

Please, spare me from the pain. I really do not wish to feel so constricted anymore.

actually, do i really think so? Is it merely a superficial side of me pondering about the need, the thirst for acceptance and love or the reluctance of defeat? Or is it just some desperate instinct to retaliate with desire and passion? Am i being selfless, or selfish enough to envisage otherwise?

oh my, i’m so utterly torn, with such glaring divisions of conflicted emotions. Being shielded from the truth from eyes of deceit and lies is indeed, unbearable at times. but, what could you do? how could you possibly have the slightest awareness of my muses?

I’ll assure you that I’ll certainly cease behaving like a lovelorn swain, on the quest for reciprocated affection. If only you’ll cease to set my heart on fire.

i love you.

true?

i beg to differ, actually. i know you seem like that even in school, but that’s thanks to your honesty. I promise, that i’ll never make such unjustified assumptions again and those impressions of you, i’m sorry.

the advent of technology. i think i still miss you, but let it remain status quo, okay? it really hurts somtimes, when those heartaches occur, but will you even be aware?

Haha, although i’m a little apprehensive about the quality of it, i’m certain that everything will be worth the trouble. Wonder how’s it going to turn out a couple of months later?

How honestly should i post? This may seem like a random muse, but it throws me off, totally. How far should i go? Or would i know when to stop? or otherwise?